Well, it's the end of my last week of Summer. I officially begin classes next Tuesday, as Labor Day is next Monday. I've so far memorized half of the Hebrew Alephbet, and made photocopies of the sections I need to read for Early Church History (selections from Clement and a chapter on the evolution of the early church).
To be entirely honest, I am ready to jump into things. Not only is the prospect of getting back into the classroom exciting to me, but this is what I've been waiting a year to accomplish. I am finally where I need to be and content with it. I did manage to nab a job working at the Credit Union around the corner. They employ seminarians regularly, and so are very flexible with their hours. Working there will also allow me to have nights off for studying or rest if needed.
The story of how I got the job is actually quite interesting. I turned in my application on a Thursday or Friday while the manager was out of town, so one of the other employees set it on her desk. When she returned at the end of the weekend, one of the tellers gave a two-week notice that she was leaving. Early that next week, I was called in for an interview, and accepted by that Thursday. I started working the following Monday full-time for training, and am about to finish my second full week of work. After this week, I will be working part-time to fit my class schedule. It really was a blessing for me to get this job, and I have done well so far. Tomorrow is going to be my longest shift (and one I will most likely end up working over the next semester). It is ten hours, from 9AM to 7(:30)PM. It's also the second of the month, which means everyone who got their Social Security checks will be coming in to cash out.
Being in a new place, and having a full-time (albeit temporarily) job has really revealed the burden of the responsibilities of adulthood. Having yet to receive my first paycheck, and yet considering all of the payment I will need to make over the coming months and years, I have had a lingering anxiety following me around. I know that all will be provided and that I am not in dire straits by any means, but there is still the peripheral fear that I will not be able to support myself over these next few years of schooling. I see that this fear is something that will always be there, continuing beyond graduation and into my adult life. Now, the question is what to do about that fear. I cannot allow it to consume me, nor can I ignore it. It requires acknowledgement and acceptance. But, it must not be given right to reign.
I think a major part of this fear is that responsibility will pull me away from fulfillment. With the mounting pressure of daily life's needs, it is easy to lose focus and just work on managing to "get by." Soon, that becomes enough, and the dreams we once had are thrown to the wayside. I hope to not fall into this trap, but to continue to seek fulfillment and get the most out of the life I have been given. We were not put on this earth simply to toil and tirelessly work toward sustainability. That has already been given to us. We need only God and his provisions. What we work for should be more than our own well-being. It should be for something beyond our material lives. What we must work toward are things spiritual and life-giving. Not the worries and stress that literally take that very life we are working for away from us. Now, this is much easier to say than to do, especially in such a blessed situation as my own, where my actual real-life responsibilities are admittedly limited. But, I don't think that should take away from the principle of the idea. What is the worth of a life lived only to live; only to keep breathing and have another day of the same pressure-filled routine? Life shouldn't be spent in fear, but in joy. The only way to find joy is to seek out fulfillment by that which fills all in all.
Again, this is not to say one should shirk all responsibilities and only go after that which they want. But, everything has it's own place in priority, and I don't think things which elicit fear should be at the top. I hope to maintain that focus and resolution, separating what I truly need from the temporary burdens. Eternal from the transient. The reason the Good Shepherd lays down his life is that his flock may have life abundant. It is our responsibility to follow that purpose, and do more than just live. There is a higher calling and greater purpose than what we can see right now. We are bludgeoned by all the disruptions of the world, but cannot let that turn our eyes downward. Troubles will come and distress will find its way in. But, as with all things, "this too shall pass." What we need is that which will not pass away. That is the love of God and the new life which he has made available to us through that love.
That said, the coming semester in seminary, though daunting, carries a new excitement in me for things to come. My experiences and revelations throughout this process will undoubtedly shape who I am for the rest of my life. I am sure to meet new friends and forge bonds that will last a lifetime. Hopefully, I will also be able to sharpen my focus on that which truly matters, and not be controlled by fear, but driven by joy.
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