Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Philosophy of Prayer

Saturday morning, I woke up in Tampa at 7:30 in the morning and, very soon after, began stocking up the car for the long drive to Ambridge that would elapse two days and roughly 20 hours of traveling time. It didn't help that I felt the inkling of a cold coming on, but what was I to do? Class started back up on Monday and I had papers to write and books to read. My parents were letting me have their old Toyota Avalon because my dad had bought a Cadillac recently at an estate sale for a good price. I was fine with this, since it meant I now had the means to bring my instruments up, which I hadn't even touched since this past May. Once everything was packed, and I had a very filling breakfast, I set out on my drive.

I made stops in Jacksonville, Florida; Savannah, Georgia; and Hartsville, South Carolina. I stayed the night in Hartsville at my friend Rags Coxe's house. In the morning he took me to a very quaint 8 A.M. service at his church for the first Sunday of Advent. Around 9, we left his house and made the drive back to Ambridge, stopping in Virginia for lunch. The trip overall took about 10 hours total due to heavy traffic, which put me back in Ambridge at about 7:15 Sunday night.

If there is one thing I could say about the trip, it's that meeting new people and seeing old friends is the best sort of refreshment to traveling. In Jacksonville, I got to see my friend Michelle Brodeur, whom I was in undergrad with at FSU, and who is now a staff worker for Intervarsity at the school. My friend Sam Kennedy, a fellow seminarian at Trinity, was in Savannah with his family, who were very welcoming and open to me.

When I see people I know from school in their homes, such as Rags and Sam, it helps me to get to know them a little better. It was great to see them in their natural environment, and in Sam's case, around the people he was most comfortable with. It makes people more real, and tends to build a greater respect for them and the way they are.

During my time driving, it was very hard for me to stay focused on much. For one, my throat was getting more sore by the hour, and I was beginning to grow antsy from sitting in the same seat by myself for so long. I tried praying, but it just didn't seem to work out quite as well as I was hoping. My mind was very crowded, but not over any particular concerns. I couldn't think straight about any one thing, I was just stuck in a sort of thought purgatory.

Since I've been back in Ambridge, I have mostly been occupied with schoolwork, both catching up and keeping up. But, one theme seemed to persist: Prayer. In the books I read, and in the talks I had, prayer was always something mentioned. But not just in a general sense. Most of the focus has been on God's power and actions through prayer. I became very convicted of my own prayer life, and the way that I have viewed prayer for a long time. I knew my thinking on it was wrong in an orthodox sense, but I couldn't help to correct my thinking on it. I just couldn't "believe," and I had barely even the faith to ask Jesus to cure my unbelief.

Through my readings and class discussion on Monday, I began to be pushed again in the way I didn't want to. My problem was not my unwillingness to pray, or my unbelief in the power of God, necessarily. But I was not approaching God as he should be approached. I have always had a very rough time viewing God as Father, and not only Father, the Creator, but Father, my father. The lover of my soul, who sent down his Son because of his love. The Prodigal Son, after squandering his father's wealth, came back in a state of shame and did not dare approach his father as he once did. Instead, he knew what he deserved and that was, if lucky, a severe beating. He had disrespected his father and as good as called him dead right to his face. Of course the father wouldn't want to see him again, so he walked toward the house cautiously. But the father did not treat him as he deserved, instead he ran up to the son and pulled his arms around his neck, kissing him with joy.

Now, had the son continued to approach the father so sheepishly, requesting to be a servant because of the shame that he had caused, would that not be the wrong reaction? The father had already accepted him back into his household, and for the son to act in such a way would actually be heaping further shame on the father. No, instead, the son's best response is, in utter thankfulness, return to his status as a son in his father's household and act as such. This is the same way we should approach God in prayer, a way that I have yet to fully comprehend. Jesus was right when he said that one must become like a child to enter into the kingdom because us grown-up types just don't know when to let things go! Children know that their parents will give them what they want, or at least what is in their best interest because they love them. Likewise, God loves all of his children and only wants to see them come to him in that way.

Through approaching God this way, I can feel my confidence in his power growing. God is a powerful god. I want to have the faith to ask and believe that he responds. While talking with my bishop earlier this month, I mentioned that I feel like I know a lot about God, but all I really want is to know him. I don't feel like I've reached a point where I can say in full confidence that I really know God. The only way to do that is to come to him and ask. He will reveal himself to his children. He will run out and embrace the lost son and shower him with joy. All it takes is for us to receive his acceptance and take our place as his children which he has graciously given us in his heavenly household.

Prayer for me has become so much more desirable in these past few days and my times in prayer, though still typically brief, have been filled with love. I find myself growing in excitement as I read spiritual books and Scripture in a way that has been too infrequent recently. The Lord is at work, and it is a glorious thing. I only pray that he will continue to work on my heart and bring me into his still-abounding love in which he created the heavens and the earth.

Praise be to God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit.