Time has been in fluctuation for me over this past month. I haven't had a chance to spend time in rest with all of the things I have had running through my mind. Even while reading and writing papers for my classes, I am lucky if I can manage to focus for much of it and retain the information.
The week of October 17-23 was considered to be "Reading Week" for those of us in the seminary. It is a week that is meant to be utilized for catching up with classwork and also allowing some leisure time for the seminarians. They cancel all classes and campus events for that week and only leave the library open for those who wish to utilize it's resources. I was looking forward to this week as a chance to relax and do some leisure reading I had intended for, but that did not go according to plan. Rather than a "catch-up" week as it was so advertised, it seemed more like a "keep-up" week. On top of the two papers due that week, my classes assigned extra work that took up much of my free time. Of the two books I was hoping to read, I managed to read a single chapter of one on the Sunday of reading week. It was a frustrating time that did not meet expectations.
I found myself throughout this month in a constant state of weariness. Even when I was able to get an ample amount of sleep, I was still worn out through most of the day. I realized that this was because of the burden that I had allowed myself to build up of worry and stress over my classes and financial issues. I couldn't keep up with my work schedule and the long days were beginning to drag me down. I became apathetic toward much of my work and angry toward my professors' expectations and assignments. No matter how much I tried to vent it out with friends, I was never satisfied or calmed. My biggest issues, though, seemed to be internal and spiritual. I was not being fulfilled by what I had around me. I had yet to establish any strong connections with my fellow seminarians, and still had yet to find a church I felt comfortable enough with to make my stay at in the Pittsburgh area.
Eventually, I had to turn to God and allow myself to be relieved by his Spirit alone. I don't what finally drew me there exactly, but at one of the prayer meetings I go to on Monday nights about two weeks ago, I finally relented and revealed my weariness, frustrations and doubts not blaming others for my troubles, but accepting them as my own. During the prayer time, I wondered about my faith and whether I was truly willing to live out my life in service of Christ or whether I really had a sense of his worthiness for such praise. At the very moment I was having this internal struggle, my friend Todd Murden began to pray for me in the group and immediately I felt at peace. I was in shock by the sudden impact of the prayer, and release of the tension that had been held up in me for so long. I struggled with accepting that it was prayer that relieved me, and wanted to find a more "reasonable" explanation. But since that prayer night, I have become much more at peace about everything and have even managed to have some meaningful times with others at the seminary.
My appreciation for those around me who had always been there finally found realization. I was already in the midst of people I can call friends, but it was my own selfish inward focus that kept me from them. I still grow frustrated over my classes, but it is not as intense nor does it last as long. I've found peace through God and acknowledgement of him.
This morning in chapel for Morning Prayer, I ended up coming in early. I sat in the pew and rather uncharacteristically, pulled out the kneeler and repeated a simple prayer, "I am not worthy to receive you. I am unclean. I need you." I said this many times over and finally, I crossed myself and silently petitioned God, "Bless me." Suddenly, I was overcome with love for my fellow chapel attendees. I looked over all of them with an inward smile and a great sense of peace. I wanted to turn around and tell the man behind me that Jesus loves him and he is my brother. That is the kind of love that overflowed onto me through such a simple prayer, and this time, it not followed by a question of its source. That morning prayer for me was filled with joy. My friend Todd, who had been the one to pray for me at the prayer meeting was the preacher that morning, and he preached about the call to prophecy and the presence of the Holy Spirit in a powerful and moving way.
I spent the rest of the morning finishing up class assignments while intermittently talking with some friends in the same part of the library as myself. Then, in my Spiritual Formation class this afternoon, we appropriately went over the Rites for Confession in the prayer book. While reading through the proclamation for forgiveness in Form II, I felt a welling up of joy within me. I was finally able to accept God's forgiveness and do so in a real way. I felt truly thankful for everything I had around me and the glory of God. This was a great culmination of all that had been working inside of me recently. I was seeking for rest by escaping from my responsibilities and frustrations, but by simply turning to God, I was able to find real rest and real peace.
Until about two weeks ago when I went to that prayer meeting with true vulnerability and inexplicable repentance, this was one of the more frustrating months for me in recent memory. But, from that night, I have developed an awareness of God's grace that will hopefully only continue to grow. I have made an intentional effort to keep the Sabbath, resting on the past two Sundays and not allowing myself to do work, and it has been a real blessing for me. Looking forward, I hope to continue on this way toward rest and become more committed to the prayer of faith and finding my rest in the Lord.
